Our Peaceful Little Life

MY BLOG HAS MOVED!!!

2010-03-28T12:12:00.003-04:00

Hello everyone, thanks so much for following. I am so sorry that i have no updated in about ooooh 4 months. Things have been hectic. We moved to another state which is freezing here unlike my beautiful Georgia. Anyway, baby girl is doing fantastic!! I have a new blog that I update almost daily so here is the new link, feel free to add it.

She is here!!!

2009-11-14T13:21:00.003-05:00

She was born Tuesday 11/10/09 at 5:26am. She was 6lbs 11 ozs and 19.5 inches long.

After being admitted to the hospital 4 times in one month for pre-eclampsia and pregnancy induced hypertension, my docs decided it was safest to induce me early. By the time I got to the hospital, I was upgraded to eclampsia so I was allowed a few hours to try and labor before I would end up in a csection. Luckily for me, I had a very fast labor and delivery.

I will post a birth story when I have some time because right now she is in whats called a bili-bed. She has pretty significant jaundice but it was to be expected because she was so early. Otherwise, she is a picture of perfect health.

34 weeks

2009-10-25T23:01:00.002-04:00

Well, so much has gone in the past month since I last updated. First, our little girl is perfect, growing well so far seemingly healthy as far as nst's and ultrasounds can show.

I have been admitted twice for Pregnancy Induced Hypertension which sucks but what can I do. I am now on strict bedrest until she is born. I have no idea how I am going to make it much longer. I want her to stay in as long as humanly possible to ensure her health but my god I am so glad only a few more weeks to go. They threatened me with induction or csection two weeks in a row, so I am so glad that she has been allowed to stay in and cook some more

Tim is gone but with everything that has been going on healthy wise they changed his return date from 12-12 to 11-25 and now hopefully 11-20. His command is trying to make sure he is home for the birth or as soon as possible afterwards.

How far along: 34week and 4 days

Total weight gain: I haven't gained anything yet. I was in need of losing some weight before I got pregnant so as long as she is growing I am okay with it.

How much does baby weigh: As of the 16th of October she was around 6 pounds estimated.

Maternity clothes: Full on maternity but my pants are getting too tight in the belly. Since I am on bedrest, I hang in tank tops and boxers or big cotton dresses

Stretch marks: I have them already from my first pregnancy (loss)

Sleep: nearly impossible. I just can not get comfortable.

Best moment this week: Hearing her on Nst, laughing at everytime they put the band around my belly she would flip out and move so much they couldnt keep her on the monitor unless the nurse held the thing by hand without the band.

Movement: I joke and say she is ADHD like her dad because she never stays still.

Food cravings: Carrots and dip, hummus and pretzels...Just about anything I can dip

Belly button in or out: Its pretty much flat.

What I miss: Being able to walk around or sleep

What I'm looking forward to: Finally meeting my daughter and hopefully my husband making it for her birth.

Milestone: Keeping her in for another week! I am trying to take it day by day

30 weeks!!

2009-09-25T21:39:00.002-04:00

How far along: 30 weeks and 2 days

Total weight gain: I haven't gained anything yet. I was in need of losing some weight before I got pregnant so as long as she is growing I am okay with it.

How much does baby weigh: As of today she is 4 pounds and 9 ounces.

Maternity clothes: I am full on into maternity clothes, I have quite the bump going on. I was fluffy before getting PG so I am sure that has something to do with it.

Stretch marks: I have them already from my first pregnancy (loss)

Sleep: nearly impossible. I just can not get comfortable.

Best moment this week: Seeing her again, she absolutely has her daddy's nose. It is so obvious in her u/s pictures its amazing.

Movement: Its like she is kungfu fighting in there

Food cravings: Rootbeer, thats about it really.

Belly button in or out: Its pretty much flat.

What I miss: Not getting exhausted just walking through the market

What I'm looking forward to: My husband coming home so he can be here for her birth (if he makes it)

Milestone: Making it to 30 weeks and knowing if she was born today, she is a decent size. I am sure she will have problems but she's strong. (she better hold out 9 weeks!)

25 weeks

2009-08-22T00:10:00.004-04:00

Oh my I have been shopping like mad!! My husband has banned me from buying anymore baby clothes. They are just so damn cute I can't help it! On a downer, Tim is getting ready to leave in a couple of weeks which means I will be alone at home until he returns after the baby is born. It is scary to think that I have to go through labor and recovery alone. I have been through worse so I know I can do it.

On a brighter note, my little girl is moving around like crazy! She has a little personality already its amazing! I am so in love with this little person and I haven't even met her yet.

How far along: 25 weeks and 2 days

Total weight gain: Still only 1 pound gained but that flucuates depending on the day. I am either same weight or a pound or two heavier. I can't complain.

How much does baby weigh: As of 2 weeks ago she weighed in at 1 pound and 12 ounces according to my ultrasound.

Maternity clothes: I am full on into maternity clothes, I have quite the bump going on. I was fluffy before getting PG so I am sure that has something to do with it.

Stretch marks: I have them already from my first pregnancy (loss)

Sleep: Its difficult to sleep since she is getting so big.

Best moment this week: Feeling her kick when my husband talks to her.

Movement: She is very active, She loves rootbeer and salad!

Food cravings: Salads and guacamole

Belly button in or out: Its pretty much flat.

What I miss: Being able to bend over.

What I'm looking forward to: Finishing everything we need to be ready for her.

Milestone: Knowing that she is growing perfectly and is healthy.

Our Girl

2009-08-01T23:17:00.002-04:00

Over Half way there!!

2009-08-01T23:05:00.002-04:00

SO many things going on in the past month since I updated. I started my injection therapy which has made morning sickness rear its ugly head once again. However, now I am used to it and know how to handle it. Its just better to stop what I am doing and throw up already. It just makes me feel better.

We have gotten a lot done as far as baby shopping is concerned. Crib,carseat, stroller, pack n play, bouncy seat, bedding. All that is left for the big stuff is a high chair and swing so I will probably go get that next weekend. I have done a ridiculous amount of clothes shopping for her. She literally has clothes up to the size 4t and shoes. I cant resist!! I got her a baby pair of uggs! My living room is a mess, you can barely walk in it. My fireplace is nonexistant due to the large number of rubbermaid totes in front of it.

Tim is leaving in a few weeks so I have limited time to get everything prepared and put together before he goes since he won't be back until after she is born. I am still waiting on her crib to get here so hopefully in the next 3 weeks before he leaves.

We go to the hospital every friday so I know how to get there in case I have to go alone in the middle of the night or something. I know its really early but I am going to load up the back of my SUV with my hospital bag and the babies bag probably in the next couple of weeks. The only reason is what if I am at work or out and my water breaks or something. I dont have anyone here to get what I need so I have to have it all with me at all times. I am going to go to the firestation to have them put in her carseat next month to be prepared. I am so nervous to have her on my own I just need to have everything ready early.

How far along: 22weeks and 3 days

Total weight gain: I have finally gained weight, I am up 1 pound~

How much does baby weigh: as of tuesday she weighed in at 1 pound and 4 ozs, she is a big girl already!!

Maternity clothes: I am full on into maternity clothes, I have quite the bump going on. I was fluffy before getting PG so I am sure that has something to do with it.

Stretch marks: I have them already from my first pregnancy (loss)

Sleep: Its getting harder and harder to sleep at night, Heartburn and just being uncomfortable

Best moment this week: Seeing her on ultrasound again and seeing her grow and watch her play in there. She is so precious already!!

Movement: She is very active, She loves cheese haha and salads!

Food cravings: Rootbeer and cheese! Oh and salads omg I want them breakfast lunch and dinner

Belly button in or out: Half and half, its almost flat

What I miss: Sleeping on my belly.

What I'm looking forward to: Finishing everything we need to be ready for her.

Milestone: Knowing that she is growing perfectly and is healthy.

Appointment with Perinatologist at 20w

2009-07-18T14:22:00.003-04:00

We went on Thursday for our high risk visit. I was so nervous not knowing what would be wrong with our daughter or myself. Everything was perfect!! She is wonderful and healthy and growing just wonderfully! She was even sucking her thumb it was so cute and we have a picture of her laying back with her hands behind her head just like her daddy does!! Tim thought that was very cute! She was grabbing her feet and tugging on her cord. She was sooo not shy about showing her goods again, so deffffff a girl!!

We have a cute pictures but I have yet to figure out how to upload them on here. I did a couple times but I have no idea how I did that. IF anyone can tell me how then I will add them.

Pregnancy is going well so far, no more vomitting except in the morning which I can deal with. I still have't gained any weight but I assure you that I will be soon and rapidly making up for lost time. I have such a huge bump, it look much farther along than 20 weeks.

I cant even believe that I am 20w along already, its just going by so fast and part of me just wants to keep her in there forever! All to myself with her little kicks and rolling around!

We are finally getting prepared for her now knowing that she will actually be a part of our home. I cant believe we are having a baby!!!

Wow Its been a long time

2009-07-06T18:23:00.002-04:00

It has come to my attention that I have not updated for quite some time. I cant believe its been over a month. Honestly, I forgot about the blog since I have been so busy. This is for you BN.

Lets see, a lot has happened, we found out that we are having a GIRL!!!!! Her name is Fallon Rose. WE are beyond thrilled to be having a daughter! My Morning sickness is Finally going away. Its finally starting to sink in that we are having a baby after all these years. She moves now, not all the time but usually after I eat she starts wiggling up a storm. Tim is totally in love with the idea of having a little girl to pamper and treat like a princess. I am still working but looks like I will start to slow down a bit because of swelling in my legs which is no biggie. I will probably just see patients in the morning and desk work in the afternoon.

We are still a go for our move to NY in January. I am excited but sad that I cant set up a nursery until After Fallon is born. However, it gives me something to do until I find a new job in NY. I may just take a job as a RN in a hospital, less hours and I can work just 3 twelve hour shifts a week and be home with my daughter the rest. We will see when the time comes.

How far along: 18 weeks and 5 days

Total weight gain: I still havent gained any weight besides a few pounds back from what I lost in the beginning.

How much does baby weigh: about 5-6 ozs

Maternity clothes: I am full on into maternity clothes, I have quite the bump going on. I was fluffy before getting PG so I am sure that has something to do with it.

Stretch marks: I have them already from my first pregnancy (loss)

Sleep: I take a nap during the day and I am in bed by 9pm.

Best moment this week: Starting to buy things we need for our baby

Movement: Here and there, once in a blue moon a kick but mostly little wiggles here and there.

Food cravings: veggie party platters, yes the WHOLE platter haha!!

Belly button in or out: Obviously still an innie

What I miss: Sleeping on my belly.

What I'm looking forward to: WHen she is born!!

Milestone: Making it this far and finding out we are having a daughter!!

I made it!! I made it to the Second Trimester!!

2009-05-30T16:39:00.002-04:00

How far along: 13 weeks and 3 days

Total weight gain: I have gained back 4 now so I am still down 8 pounds

How much does baby weigh: Just a little under an ounce.

Maternity clothes: I now have a little bump and cant button my pants, so I actually do need maternity pants (I could use the bella band but I dont like it)

Stretch marks: I have them already from my first pregnancy (loss)

Sleep: I take a nap during the day and I am in bed by 9pm.

Best moment this week: Making it to the 2nd tri

Movement: None besides gas bubbles

Food cravings: Pickles! ALl I want is salty food. Oh and crabs with butter and I dont even eat crabs

Belly button in or out: Obviously still an innie

What I miss: Sleeping on my belly.

What I'm looking forward to: Finding out what we are having so I can call the baby by name!

Milestone: Making it this far, its the farthest I have gone without m/c

Holy shiznit! I am 12 weeks!!!!!

2009-05-21T20:15:00.002-04:00

YES! I Made it to 12 weeks! I am so in disbelief that this is really going to happen. My OB called me today and said, well we got your blood work in and all of your scans together and....It looks like this baby is going to hang around for another 20 plus weeks! I laughed and cried at the same time. He is so great, I am so lucky to have an OB like him who really cares that this is finally happening for us!

Things seem to be getting better, I am less tired and cranky haha. I am no longer bleeding! WOWOHOOO and I am no longer vomitting 10 times a day. I am down to just first thing in the morning and then nausea all day but I can handle that!!! I am finally getting a little bump and my husband loves kissing it and talking to it!

I am so nervous now because I actually have to start planning for a baby!!!

How far along: 12 weeks and 1 day

Total weight gain: I lost about 12 pounds but so far I have gained 2 back, so I am down to losing 10 pounds.

How much does baby weigh: I believe a little more than half an ounce

Maternity clothes: I now have a little bump and cant button my pants, so I actually do need maternity pants (I could use the bella band but I dont like it)

Stretch marks: I have them already from my first pregnancy (loss)

Sleep: I take a nap during the day and I am in bed by 9pm.

Best moment this week: Making it to 12 weeks!!

Movement: None besides gas bubbles

Food cravings: Oranges!! I must eat like 5 a day!

Belly button in or out: Obviously still an innie

What I miss: Sleeping on my belly.

What I'm looking forward to: Finding out what we are having so I can call the baby by name!

Milestone: Making it this far, its the farthest I have gone without m/c

The newest picture of our little butter bean!!

2009-05-12T21:19:00.002-04:00

Well, I am diggin these weekly ultrasounds. Usually they dont let me see for more than a second because they want to measure and see if anything is wrong but today I got to watch it all and they even gave me a picture.

I had a really scarey episode last night with tons of bright red bleeding and cramping. My Ob had me come in early this morning to get checked out. The baby was measuring one day ahead of schedule so he/she is doing perfect. A strong heartbeat of 168, it was a beautiful sound. However the Subchorionic Hemorrhage is still actively bleeding so that means I get to stay on bedrest still! Ugh but its worth it.

I go back on friday to check things out and do my formal long visit with the OB. I wasnt going to do the NT Scan but my OB really wants me to do it, in light of everything going on. SO I decided to do it but I do not want to know the results because regardless this is our baby and nothing will change that.

I am still guarded in regards to this pregnancy, I know I have had 4 beautiful ultrasounds and the odds of losing this pregnancy is so small, less than 5% right now but I will not feel safe until I have this baby in my arms.

My intuition is telling me this baby is boy. I dont know why but I keep thinking boy, so we will see in the End of June what we are having.

10 weeks 3 days..I cant believe I have made it this far.

2009-05-09T22:34:00.002-04:00

How far along: 10 weeks and 3 days.

Total weight gain: I have lost about 7-10 pounds depending on the day.

How much does baby weigh: I think about half an ounce.

Maternity clothes: I am wearing maternity pants for sheer comfort, not out of necessity.

Stretch marks: I have them already from my first pregnancy (loss)

Sleep: I take a nap during the day and I am in bed by 9pm.

Best moment this week: Getting to see our baby again, with his/her little arms moving.

Movement: None besides gas bubbles

Food cravings: Watermelon, potato salad

Belly button in or out: Obviously still an innie

What I miss: Still Sweet Tea and being able to stay up late at night.

What I'm looking forward to: Bedrest to be over.

Milestone: Making it this far, its the farthest I have gone without m/s

This baby is making me work really hard for it....

2009-05-02T09:38:00.003-04:00

As if I didn't work hard enough or wait long enough. I have been having terrible bouts of hyperemesis (excessive vomitting) which is a good sign because that means hormones are raging! However after a couple days of this, I got so dehydrated that when I went to vomit there was nothing left and the force of it ended up with the blood vessels in my eyes and around my face rupturing. I look fantastic!!

I started spotting yesterday morning, ever so slighly but my OB sent me to the ER for IV hydration and to get an ultrasound.

After 16 hours there, IVs, Blood work, U/s and MRI they have determined that I have a hemorrhage in the placenta. This would be the reason for the spotting. Its a small hemorrhage and they are optimistic that it will clear on its own but until then I am ordered to bedrest, pelvic rest (poor Tim) and weekly ultrasounds to monitor the baby and the hemorrhage.

It sucks but Its all worth it in the end and I would do anything to have this baby even if that means laying flat on my back for 9 months. I am okay with that if I need to. The good part is that I get to see the baby every friday!! That alone even with the hemorrhage will give me peace of mind just seeing that the baby is thriving!

As far as the ultrasound goes the baby is measuring about 6 days behind what it should be however the attribute that to Tech Error or the fact that I have a retroverted uterus which can sometimes make it hard to see the baby correctly this early. However, the heartbeat was stellar at a whopping 176 bpm! I didnt get to see the baby on u/s last night because if there is a threat of a miscarriage they wont let you look but my husband got to watch and he said he could see the little arms, legs and the heart beating! So thats good news

Update time.

2009-04-25T00:40:00.002-04:00

I will try to post an update once a month. If I can remember! So to help, I stole this from a fellow blogger. Thanks for sharing.

How far along: 8 weeks and 3 days

Total weight gain: I have actually lost a few pounds thanks to m/s!

How much does baby weigh: I have no idea

Maternity clothes: Nothing but a bella band and maybe some big girl underpants since my smaller ones really are starting to hurt and restrict my belly bloat

Stretch marks: I have them already from my first pregnancy (loss)

Sleep: I am up twice a night to pee but I have been going to bed very early

Best moment this week: Hmm lets see, learning how to hold my vomit long enough to make it to the bathroom at work instead of throwing up on my own shoes again.

Movement: None besides gas bubbles

Food cravings: Spicy asian lettuce wraps

Belly button in or out: Obviously still an innie

What I miss: Sweet Tea and sleeping on my stomach, If I roll over on it, I barf (yes I have vomitted on my pillow, not fun in the middle of the night)

What I'm looking forward to: Everything, all the m/s, the gas. the bloat, the fatigue you name it!! It all means that I am pregnant! I will take it all happily.

Milestone: Making it to 8 weeks, which in the past was my failure point.

My Miracle is in the works finally!!

2009-04-17T19:53:00.003-04:00

Well, I didnt want to get too attached to the idea that we were going to have a baby. Everytime we made it to our ultrasound date there was never a heart beat and that was the end of it.

So going into today's appointment I couldnt even look at the ultrasound screen. Tim was sitting there looking at the wall holding his breath but then the tech turned up the volume and we could hear the heartbeat. I instantly starting crying like a little girl, Tim leaned over and looked at the screen in awe that He couldnt believe what we were hearing and seeing! I looked over and saw our baby!! The heart flickering so quickly and I measured exactly 7w2d as my chart suggested. The doctor said that was a great sign of things progessing beautifully. There were no signs of clots in the placenta or yolk sac as in other lost pregnancies. The doctor feels that this is going to be the one! I have to continue all of my medication just to be safe but other than that, nothing special.

We feel so truly blessed!!

Thank you...

2009-03-27T22:30:00.002-04:00

First I wanted to say thank you to all of you ladies. Thank you for your prayers, thank you for all your well wishes and comments. Tim and I are truly blessed.

We had our first appointment today because I will be monitored very closely. My 14dpo Beta was 111 which the doc says is great. I had another beta and progesterone done today at 15dpo but wont get the results until monday. I started my progesterone injections today, I may not have to stay on them but my Doc wanted to start just in case until my blood work comes back. He said either way you cant have too much progesterone right now. He decided to increase my Synthroid from 125 to 137mcg because he wants my thyroid a little higher active to reduce risk of miscarriage, Also staying on the metformin through at least the first tri because that also reduces risk of miscarriage.

Our first U/s is April 17th!! We are so excited I cant wait. My next one will be May 15th and then again June 19th. I have the first tri all scheduled. In July or August I will have to have a NTS or NST (whichever its called) and if everything is okay then I wont need another u/s until its time to check weight etc towards the end of my pregnancy.

My husband and I are finally let it sink in now that we saw the beta in writting and its really happening!!

Thank you for all the support! I couldnt have made it through all this without all of you!

HOLY SHIIITTT!!!!

2009-03-26T22:01:00.002-04:00

I freaking got my BFP yesterday I am in so much shock its insane!! I cant believe it. I mean I just posted how I KNOW that this cycle was a bust and I was out of the game. LOOK wow, I am at a loss for words. My husband seriously has some great swimmers to last as long as they did!!

We are in shock, thats all I can say!! I had my Beta done today at work. I will get that back tomorrow! I have my first OB appointment tomorrow to start my progesterone supplements. I dont think it will seem real until I see that Beta in my hand!!

I will post more tomorrow after my appointment, right now I am speechless!!

TTC sucks!

2009-03-15T11:23:00.002-04:00

Ughh I missed my O this month thanks to a broken heel. It sucks, I hate that there is no chance for this cycle. Next cycle my husband has to go away to a Best of the Best competition for the Army. He won his portion so he has orders to go and he can not miss it. Well, normally I would go with him but its Spring break week here and half my office is going to be out so I have to be at work. He is going the week that I am due to O. Which sucks so it means I have to wait to TTC again until MAY!!!!!!!!! That sucks!! But May I think would give us a february baby which is my birthday month, my mom and dads Bday month too! So I still am optimistic. I just hate waiting! I am so anxious to see what happens!

Oh well, at least I dont have to feel the pressure of the 2ww.

The Season of Change

2009-03-12T18:34:00.002-04:00

WOW Where do I begin!! This was my first Full cycle on all my new IF treatments and I have seen so many changes that I am excited about.

I had a FULL day of EWCM, I rarely EVER have more than a spot of it. My last LP was a whole 4 and a half days longer than it has ever been! I have been having mid cycle spotting right around O... I also had a HUGELY positive OPK yesterday!! These are all exciting things for me because I have had such a tough time with all of these things.

I am so excited and so optimistic about all these changes. Even though I know that I will not get my BFP this month due to poor timing (long story)..I know that it may just happen this year!! I am determined to have a 2010 baby!!

So on to the bad timing...I broke my heel (no, not my shoe but my actual heel of my foot)..The doc says its a stress fracture but I cant put any pressure or weight on my heal for 6 weeks. Which means I am in a huge boot ughhh....Which means last night when I had my OPK, we did not have the opportunity to get it on! Thanks to the foot and the doc and the long journey home since there is no point staying away when I cant do anything fun!

However, I will chalk this cycle up to practice for an amazing cycle next month that awaits me!

Still trucking along!!

2009-03-05T20:51:00.002-05:00

Well I am just heading into my very first Ovulation cycle with the full dose of all my meds. I am still trying to get used to such a high dose of Metformin but otherwise I am doing okay.

As far as all the new thyroid meds go, I have noticed that I am not coming home from work and taking a nap everyday like I used to, so I guess it is working much better than previously. I am excited to see what this cycle brings.

Just the couple weeks that I had been the on the new medications, I had a noted 4 and a half day increase in my LP, which is so freaking amazing because I RARELY hit 11 days. So to get AF on the night of LP day 14 going into 15 was amazing!! Its a great sign of things to come.

I still want to be a little guarded about getting my hopes up however I cant help but feel optimistic somehow. Dh is just going with the flow because he loves me but also is at the point where if it just doesnt happen then he is content with a life of just the two of us.

Well for this week, its been nice. I have only had patients two days this week so that I can get my charting and pathology done before the AAD.

I cant wait to have time alone with my husband!!! Stress free time.

back in the saddle

2009-02-15T22:16:00.002-05:00

Well I am in the 2 week wait again but really not waiting because we didnt ttc this month. Well we did have "unprotected sex" but not with the intention of getting pregnant. I am on my new meds, I am just starting the 3rd week of it so I am waiting for AF to show in order for us to re-start the whole ttc thing again for a few short months. I am giving it a time frame because I am tired of all the false hopes and disappointment.

Its funny that its the 2WW because really for me its a 10 day wait. MY Luteal phase is short so I almost always get AF by 10DPO. I am on day 5 now so I should have AF by friday so we are officially on our new start saturday.

The good thing, I wont have my period for my friends wedding because that would really suck, in a light colored dress worrying about it.

So, heres to AF showing up early so I can get it over with and start a new cycle.

Wish me luck, I hope it really happens for us. If not then we will just settle into our life as just the two of us, since we now know that we wont be having children whether it be biological or adopted.

Ahh what a weekend so far

2009-02-07T23:03:00.002-05:00

Well Tim and I had to replace my computer this weekend which really sucks because I hate spending money. I would prefer to save it for our future child. But nonetheless I love it, its cute, its thin and its pink!! Which pink is pimp in my eyes, its my fav color.

We went to California Dreaming for dinner tonight for my birthday date night since we are both working on Monday when its my actual birthday and I dont want to work all day and then go out at night, I just want to chill at home and cook a nice meal for the 2 of us.

Thank god, last week something in my head told me to store all of my 1000s of photos from my old computer onto a flashdrive. I would have lost them all if I didnt. I suck at digi pics, I always just upload them to my computer and then leave them there.

So tomorrow, I am cooking our "sunday" dinner and we are going to chill at home and do a little rearranging of furniture. I like relaxing weekends.

I cant believe I am going to be 32 on Monday and I am still not pregnant. Oh well, I have my health right??

decisions decisions decisions.

2009-02-02T17:10:00.002-05:00

Tim and I are throughly enjoying our ceasing of the TTC business. For the first time in almost a decade I am relaxed and content with the way things are going in our life. We are "dating", enjoying each others company, just hanging out and doing nothing but love each other. There is no longer this intense need to have sex all the time in an effort to make a baby. Instead we actually have not had sex since before christmas and ya know what??? we actually don't mind it.

I could just lay with my husband and kiss him for hours. I enjoy just rebonding with each other, seeking out the origional reason we got married. To spend our lives together, we married each other because we as a couple did not want to live apart. I mean a baby would have been an amazing addition but that is not the reason we got married, it is just an added bonus. So instead of focusing our marriage around babies, we are refocusing our marriage around us, the central unit.

The stress is off our shoulders, things dont seem so forced anymore. After the pregnancy losses we have had in the past, its good for us to remember the good times we had before all of this started. No more heartache (it still hurts to have lost a child but the daily torture of Am I Pregnant? is gone)..

Just when things seem to be progressing and our family turning a positive corner, I get thrown a wrench into the middle again. My new doctor thinks they have unmasked my fertility issues. A simple diagnosis coupled with my horrible thyroid problems could be fixed and quickly. My thyroid was damaged from all the medications and radiation I was given years back. So I had to have it radiated in order to stop all of the symptoms I was getting from it. So I am forced to take daily medication (like many others in this world) to supplement my thyroid. Here I thought it was as simple as that.

When your thyroid level is higher than 1.5 to 2 it lowers considerably the ability for an embryo to attach to your uterus. My levels are 6.47 and that is on medication. So they have changed my meds because I need to have them adjusted often in order to fight off weight gain and fatigue.

Now add that with the fact that they think I am insulin resistant which can cease ovulation or at least the ovulation of viable eggs. So today, I had another test to see if that is the case. I failed my fasting glucose test last week so I had to have a 2 hour glucose tolerance test today (torture). If I fail this test then they will add Actos to the metformin that I used to take (was given to help ovulation in the past during IF treatments). So I will have to go back on Metformin plus Actos this time. I will find out the results tomorrow for that.

So the decision is, do I restart all of this ttc drama in my life or just say FUCK IT and go on with our plans to adopt someday. My husband wants to try to have a biological child if the new RE is optimistic that with the proper treatments, I can actually get pregnant and sustain a pregnancy this time (thanks to my trusty aspirin a day for clotting, the diagnosis for the fatal demise of previous pregnancies).

I dont know if emotionally I can go through all of this again. Its going to be hard but I dont want to regret in the future all of the what ifs , if I dont try. So I made me decision. I will take the meds for one month. If my body is doing okay on them all then I will continue with the medication and use the if I happens, It happens method for 3 months. If I do not get pregnant then I will go back to charting cm, charting Sex, charting CP etc to gauge when I am ovulating and the probability of pregnancy. Right now I just temp because I like to see the temp drop to know when AF is showing, so that there are no surprises in my life. I dont look for cross hairs, If I get them, I do not analyze them. If at the end of 6 months, I am not pregnant then I am done trying. I am going to be 32 next week and I need to come to the realization that it has not happened yet after all these years, its not going to happen and just move on.

I really just dont want to jump into all these false hopes and fantasies only to be slammed back to reality at the end of 6 months. My husband wants to try and I do want to get pregnant but I am being realistic about it, but for my husband I think he deserves this one last chance at it considering he has been through everything with me and never ever faltered in his support of me.

So wish me luck.

Holy Crap its been a long time.

2009-01-10T15:18:00.003-05:00

WOw, Its been almost a month since I blogged last. So much has been going on here at the H household. Lets see, we stopped TTC (well actively TTC, we arent avoiding). We went home to RI for a couple weeks and had a great time I will have to post pics in blog as soon as I learn how. Work is the same old same old crap, love it but stresses me out. My furbaby had surgery this week but she is finally getting back to her old self. Adoption seems like its going to be our only option which is okay and DH and I have decided on China for our international adoption, when it happens.

My New years resolution this year is interesting lets see if I can do it. I vow to get in better shape and run more. I would seriously like to take off 20 pounds that decided to slap me in my ass when I started all my hormone treatments. Now that I am off everything, hopefully it will let the weight come off.

I also decided to learn how to knit/crochet. I have always wanted to learn. Its something my grandmother did and I loved it and My mom quilts which I just dont have the time for. So I figured I can knit at work on lunch breaks to destress etc. I signed up for and already paid for beginners workshops in town here, so since I paid I already I am more likely to actually go do it.

My husband and I are going on a marriage retreat next weekend. Its a good idea, we have put so much emphasis on baby baby baby...that we kind of lost a little of what really made us fall in love and want a family together so we are going to rekindle a little romance. We are going with 4 other couples we are close with so its going ot be a nice experience. Its in Gaitlinberg, TN which is a beautiful area. Im looking forward to some quiet noncommercial spousal time.

Otherwise, I am excited to see so many women on GP get their BFPs and I hope this year brings many many more especially for those trying a long time.

Army Ball Drama

2008-12-14T15:01:00.001-05:00

The drama:::: One of the Guys in my husbands duty station brought his "girlfriend" and I use the term girlfriend loosely because he lives in GA and she lives in VA with her two kids (not his) and they only see each other when he flies her out here but when shes not here, he is out partying (oh and none of us have ever met her) All day she kept talking about how he doesnt want to get married blah blah blah and we should all be so lucky with the men with have.. So After the 80s night all 16 of us decided to load up in one minivan and go to a bar. All of us wives we sitting together, drinking having fun. The husbands were all with us but also playing pool. Her and her "BF" were dancing and drinking like crazy!!

So later in the night all the tables were togther and we were just having a great time and she came up to my DH and grabbed his shirt to pull her close to his face.. she said something but my husband was so drunk he did not even pay attention. I told her to let go of him. She then sits in the chair next to him (my dh). She then takes a beer, slams it on the table and then flings it at the Commanders wife sitting across from her. So we were all like wtf. She says to my husband "you better get these biiitches in check" again my husband is oblivious. So I said What did you say? She said that I heard and I need to have all the wives stop hating on her. I was like ok ghetto biitch, hating on what? She said "me, they are all jealous" I said jealous of what Pahlease? She then said they are jealous because all their husbands want what they cant have, so I said ohh ok and what is that. She answered "They all want to fuuck me and have been drooling over me since I got here"

I busted out laughing and said listen biiitch, They dont want you. They are all MARRIED, so get the fvck off my table and go somewhere else. She stood up and announced to us all that we better enjoy it now because our DHs will be gone soon. So I said listen biitch, You can Not make a Ho into a housewife and do you see my 3 carats right here...You are the one jealous because all of us are married and we have got what you cant have.
So she goes to the bar and starts throwing shiit so her BF came over to calm her down and then she jumped on our table...ONNNN our table and starting swinging at all the wives. So the men grabbed her and gave her to her BF and said to put her in a taxi back to the hotel because she is not coming with us. HE being drunk HIT his commander and it was a brawl after that. The guys all went after him to defend the commander. the wives were holding the skank back because she kept clawing at the husbands. She kept screaming at us that she was going to fvck all our husbands etc.

So the next morning she started calling all us wives to see if we wanted to go to breakfast. We were like um no we are at the spouses meeting. She asked for us to go get her to come with us and we said no cuz you actually have to be married to attend. (mean I know) so no one went near her all day and night at the ball she was drunk again so the commander told them they had to leave a day early because he didnt want her there anymore.
So they left and then it was a party after that. Her BF is not allowed to take her to any functions we have again. He would have gotten in more trouble but the commander felt that he was dutifully trying to defend her so he let it go.

Adoption

2008-11-30T20:12:00.002-05:00

So Tim and I talked more about it tonight and we decided that we are going to look into international adoption through China. I know many people think there are so many children here that need homes but the practices in china towards little girls is just so horrific we want to be able to save just one child from that horror. We would love to get siblings even older if need be. So we are going to get the ball rolling and see what we need to do to start the process of home visits and interviews etc. I think we will be starting that when we get back from vacation after the new year. I am excited and sad at the same time but at least at the end of it all we will have a child in our hearts.

Frustrated!!

2008-11-29T00:42:00.002-05:00

I am so beyond frustrated, I see a baby and I cry, I see a pregnant woman and I cry. I see a movie that has a baby in it and I CRY!! I am sick of these hormones and emotions. My poor husband all he can do is say, its okay. I think he is lost as to what to do now. I have one cycle left before we give up trying to have a baby and I really wanted it to be this cycle. BUT NNNOOOOO I started spotting at the movies tonight and now I just went to get ready for bed and voila bright red its not heavy but a little more than spotting..The joy of my life, I swear its just not FAIR!!! Its really not fair anymore, I am over and beyond upset that this is how my life is turning out. My husband and I are both almost 32 years old and we are destined to have just our dog. Dh and I have been discussing adoption and how we are to proceed. So I guess its time to get the ball rolling since I know for sure that I will not get a BFP on christmas (which is when I am due this next cycle). Its just really shitty that I feel like I am cheating my husband out of so much because I just cant get pregnant. I feel like a failure most of the time and frankly I am so sick of it. I am kind of looking forward on not trying to have a baby anymore, its just too much stress. I am sure our lives will be much happier if we just move on from all of this.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T12:10:00.002-05:00

This year I am thankful that I have my health. I have a wonderful, supportive, loving husband. Granted there are days that I want to lock him in the closet but in the end, he is my soulmate. I am thankful for my family, my career in this horrible economic time. I am thankful that even though we may not have been blessed this past year that we still have the strength to keep trying. I could not ask for a better husband.

I had a huge dip in my temperature this morning, so I dont think things look very good for concieving this month. However, I am optimistic. Don't laugh but those of you who know me in real life truly know how I do not believe in psychics or anything but In June, my husband and I along with a bunch of friends went to a street fair. There was a tarot card reader there and I thought how fun it would be to see what crap she can come up with. Well all she asked was that I blow on the cards, she did not ask questions she just gave answers. Some of the things she said were quite interesting, its odd how she knew certain things about my husband and I. But she also said, do not worry about the baby, you will be expecting by 6 months end. Well that is coming up in the next couple of weeks, so Dh and I were talking about it and said well we guess she was wrong. What if she were right?? What if, I am indeed PG and I just dont know it yet? I know, I know I am reaching here but hell stranger things have happened. Only Time will tell.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday today!!

Time is flying by so fast!!

2008-11-23T20:03:00.003-05:00

Wow I havent blogged in so long its been crazy here, Time is flying by so fast!! I have been working so much because its the end of the insurance deductible year so many people want to get in for procedures etc before they have to start paying their deductibles in january again. I am getting over a strep infection that turned into an upper respiratory infection and landed me home from work for a few days. Then my poor furbaby Prada started her period, so its been a week of diaper changing and cleaning her room and bathing her. but god she is so stinkin cute in her doggy diapers its hysterical. Oh and I cut off all my hair!! I have been growing it out since I lost my hair to chemo so I really wanted long hair again but ya know what? I really liked the ease of doing my hair and not having to fuss over it when it was short. So off it went into a short bob...its cute though.

We have so much going on the next month its crazy, My husband has a ball that is thrown every year by his Company (army company/battalion that is). They give out awards then etc. Its in Tennesse this year so we will be going there for a long weekend. Its 80s themed for the night after the ball so I talked my husband into going as Tom Cruise from Risky Business in his undies and dress shirt haha, Now I just need to figure out what I will dress as. Then we are going to RI for 2 weeks from december to january to visit family. I have a 2 parties for my office in december. AHhh to be so damn busy. I need to start shipping all the christmas gifts back home so when we travel we do not have to lug them all with us. OH yeah in during all of this Prada has to get spayed.....See all of this is going to cease when we have a baby.

Ahh Trying to concieve, its been a hard road. Its seeming like after all this time its just becoming a chore and we just arent "into" it anymore. (the sex part that is). We so really want a baby but I just dont see that happening after everything now. I really thought this month was going to be my month. My chart was looking good, my temps, my cm and all the sexin my husband and I were doing. I thought it was all great timing but then lucky me FF changed my O date so now it looks horrible. I thought that with the spotting I had while I O'd this month was a sign of great things since they say spotting while O is a sign of extreme fertility. BUT you have to have sex around that time to get pregnant and it looks like we missed it.

I have decided that If i am not pregnant by the new year which means 8 years, then I want to start looking into adoption. I just so want a child in my home it just doesnt matter if its biological or not, we just want a baby to love and give a home and a life to. I think its time to throw in the towel and come to the realization that my husband and I will not be having a child together by birth. It just hurts that I can not give him that but I can do what it takes to give him a family and that means adoption so its time to do it. That is my new years resolution...take the necessary steps to make a family outside of my selfish need to have a biological child with my husband...If we pick the child then its still ours through the love in our hearts to find that special child and welcome him or her into our home and our hearts.

What a week!

2008-11-15T13:11:00.003-05:00

This week has been crazy in our household. It started off that DH had Monday and Tuesday off while I had to work which is a bummer since we didnt get to spend time together. This week I had to work really late everynight so again we did not get much time together and this is my fertile week, how is that for luck!! Oh well, we made the best of it anyway. This weekend we do not have much going on, just going out for dinner tonight and then to a movie, our routine date night. Other than that we have so much to do with vacation coming soon and thanksgiving coming soon. Its just DH and I think thanksgiving so we have no idea what we want to do for the holiday. We were thinking about going to a nice hotel, maybe the W or the Ritz for the night and having room service and just hang out. Then of course we have black friday to get up super early to go shopping!!

JUST GREAT!!!! I started to write this at noon today but now here it is almost 9pm and I am just finishing it. I got a call that the alarm system at the office was going off because the front doors were open. The security company said they can not turn it off until someone shows up there to go through the building with the police who are waiting there. SO I haul ass to the office only to show up and all the doors were locked, no police were there. The alarm went off because it was sooooo winding a tree branch was slammed up against the back door. HELLLOOO couldnt the police have seen that. I drove all that way in a hurry for nothing. However, I decided to go to the mall and found a ball gown for my husbands ball in decemeber. GUESS how much it was. $190 bux on sale. The sign said 30% off so I was like hmmm good deal. I got to the register and the lady looked at DH and I and said, "do you know how much this is?" I said ummm no what is it? She said $13.50, yuo you read that right thirteen dollars!! It was half off which brought it down to under 100 then that 100 was on markdown 50 percent off then it was big pre-holiday dress sale so all the dresses were on sale.. I was like Damn DH and I couldnt have gone to Mcdonalds for that! I was so excited! Now I need to get some serious shoes!!

Anyhoo, I lost my train of thought while I was writing this in the afternoon so thats it for today. Off to ttc with Dh again tonight this is supposed to be my O week, Im late oh well more time to try!!

Ahh what a weekend~!

2008-11-09T22:49:00.002-05:00

Poor Dh had to work Saturday night until god knows when. So friday night we had date night and went to the movies to see Role Models...HILARIOUS!!! We laughed so hard it was crazy. We came home and decided we are too tired to "try" so off to snuggling then bed. Saturday I got up to bring DH's Dress Blues to be cleaned and then to Old Navy's winter sale blah blah blah. I had a horrible migraine since friday night, I am seriously allergic to perfume and that is what set me off. So I decided to drug up and take a nap on saturday since DH was going to be gone, he is so sweet came in and kissed me goodbye when he left. I got up later and went to the mall to buy new jeans and I picked up take out for me and Tim. As usual I leave his in the microwave so when he came home, he can just heat it up. I was trying to be nice so this way when he came home we could get busy...WEll yeah right!! My migraine meds make me drool haha Seriously though I get knocked out, so there I was in bed when DH came home. I do not even remember him walking into the bedroom to tell me he was home and kissing me. He said I just smiled at him and rolled over and went back to sleep so the sweetheart slept in the other room so not to disturb me.. God I love him.

Sunday, woke up early and decided to Take DH out to breakfast since I blew it the night before. We figured we would leave Prada out of her kennel while we were gone to test how good she could be (she has issues being alone in the house so we are trying to leave her unattended in small increments so that slowly she can work her way up to being home alone all day without killing my furniture or shoes.). So I figured a quick breakfast at Mimi's and then home, Well shit that didnt happen. We ended up going to see a matinee and grocery shopping etc then to dinner *yup dinner* by the time we looked at our watch I was like OMG prada is out!! She was out 8 hours by this time. In a mad dash home we were like what the hell are we going to see when we get home. But all was perfect besides the little steam pile she left near the front door which was totally our fault for leaving her all day. We were so proud of her we got her new toys and treats!! So now we are going to try and leave her out longer so eventually she no longer needs her kennel, I hate that damn thing.

So tonight, we just hung out at home, worked on being romantic which totally ended in giggles. Trying to create a baby is quite funny sometimes. DH is so sweet though. God I love him. So now I am off to bed soon because while DH has 2 days off due to Veterans day, I still have to work which sucks!! I hope at least he takes the trash out.
'

So Proud of our Country!!

2008-11-05T19:12:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to say how proud I am of our country, uniting together to bring change and equality into our democracy. As a military wife and a human being, I think its amazing how Obama will bring all 4 corners of our country together to unite in a joint effort to improve and secure our nations future. He may not be what we all wanted but he is the change that we all needed. I have faith in him and our senate to do the right thing and make the right changes that matter the most to us. He only has 4 years to clean up Bush's mess, at least be open minded and give him a chance. Its only 4 years! and if we dont like the change the we have a choice to not re-elect him..

Whether we wanted it our not, our country needed this. And to everyone who thinks our country is now dead because Obama will be president. It just shows how uneducated you are on politics and foreign and domestic policy and if you do not like it, pack up your parka and move your ass to Canada. One man can not and the nation will not, let him put our futures in jeopardy..Hello all you have to do is remind yourself about bush

Thats all I have to say about that.

Wow what a lucky week so far!

2008-11-04T22:48:00.002-05:00

Yay it started off with me being at work yesterday and not feeling well. I thought hmmm No AF yet, maybe I really am PG or its my medication making me nauseous. So I asked one nurse whom I love so much because she is gentle haha to draw my blood later in the day when I was done with patients so I can run a HCG to see if I were pg. No sooner as that falls out of my mouth do I go to the bathroom to potty and VOILA!!! AF in full force Like i have never seen her. Wow thanks for the Warning FLow..how about a little spotting next time huh? I wasnt due for AF until friday..Oh well better early then going through the wait.

THEN I was at work and I broke a tooth.. HELLLOOO I have never even had a cavity and I broke a molar. The dentist thinks its from the radiation I had because there is no cavity in there. so YAY ME.

It can only get better from here. Now that AF is here, I can stress less. I am starting to take Evening primrose oil, from what I hear its great for ewcm which I have never had so we will see.

Big Fat Negative

2008-11-02T18:24:00.002-05:00

Once again, I am 12 dpo and I have a BFN on a digital 2 days in a row...Once again.....No luck for me. I have no words for this. Its just another heartbreaking month. Good luck everyone else!!

Tis the Season!

2008-11-01T19:35:00.003-04:00

We went to the Mall of Georgia today to start and well finish our holiday shopping. The weather was beautiful and they put up a huge tree today in the center of the courtyard area. They had music and they also had machines on top of some of the stores outside blowing fake snow!! Such a good time. We got so many great things for the kids. The only person I have left to get something for is my mom, she is difficult. I plan on getting her something really special but I just can not put my finger on what I want to get her.

As far as DH's family, I asked him, well what are we going to get them and he said nothing. I was like ummmmmm we can not do that. His answer was short and simple. He said, "they have not been supportive of us, especially you. So Fuck' em. They can be happy if they see me at all, that will be their present." I was like OMFG what happened to my husband. So I told him that He can be responsible for what he wants to do for his family, just let me know in enough time to arrange the gift(s).

So, I am exhausted. We never made it to our movie tonight because I was so tired, so we will try to catch a matinee tomorrow. I got Brett and Hunter guitars!! So Tim is going to bring his and the 3 of them can play together and maybe my dad will break his out and play with them. It will be a fun christmas this year. I hope it snows, we got our furbabies pink fur coats haha!!

Happy Halloween!!

2008-10-31T18:39:00.002-04:00

Happy halloween everyone!! Omg what a day at work, I am so tired. This poor man came in for a minor skin cancer (so we thought) on his ear at 8:15am...the surgery did not end until almost 5pm. His little skin cancer ended up being his entire ear. We had to remove all the damaged tissue and then take a huge piece of skin from his neck and build him all new ear. I felt so bad for this man I wanted to cry for him. Its all done with local anesthesia and he was wide awake for the whole thing. We even took a break and went and bought him lunch so he could get a grip on himself he was so upset. God that doesnt happen often but I hate when it does, its always the nicest people too and the assholes get off with a little tiny thing.

Anywhooo, I am dying to get AF or my BFP..I can not wait any longer. I still have 6 days until I can offically test but I cant wait. I had to test at work with a cheapie and obviously a BFN because its not an early response.. Tomorrow I will take FMU and go poas...The wait is killing me. I know the odds of me actually being PG are like 1% if that but GOD I need to know so I can move on..

I am sooo looking forward to vacation.

2008-10-28T21:09:00.003-04:00

Tim and I are going on vacation back to our home state (yall know where we are from "islanders") for christmas vacation!! We leave Georgia on xmas eve afternoon and we do not come back until January 5th. I can not wait to see my family and the snow!! We have not had a vacation or time off really since April when we last went home to visit. Work is strenuous but I love it but I am really exhausted and need some time to not use my brain. I love going home to my moms amazing home cooking and the house I grew up in and sleep in my old bed. Its always nice going back home plus we get to bring all those yankees some great southern presents which they always look forward to. This thanksgiving its just DH and I so we are going to get relaxed at a nice hotel and enjoy ourselves!!

Lazy day!

2008-10-26T18:23:00.002-04:00

Wow we didnt get anything done today. We went out to lunch, then to the market. We got home and just hung out and did nothing. I finally got dinner in the oven and washed dishes but I think that is it for the day. I just want to hang out with hubby and watch a movie. This weekend was relaxing with nothing planned.

On a downer, I am having some cramping today, nothing major just bizarre. I hope AF doesn't come early because that would just ruin my week!! Hubby and I FWP for the past two weeks, I hope all the advice from my docs works. If not then its off to get another HSG since mine is about 5 years old they want to repeat it. Ughhhhh.....xxxxxxxxx fingers for a BFP and with all the intervention now that they seem to have an idea as to why I M/C all the time, I am really feeling positive. I owe the doc I work with a lot for recommending this new doc to me. He is young, Right out of Emory Hospital this passed august. He is up to date on new technology and all these medical advances with IF..so it seems to have meant to be that I went to Him.

This work week will be long!! We have surgery Tues, Thurs and Friday this week which never happens but since the holiday season is coming around the corner, patients want to get their skin cancers treated before the holidays so scars have time to heal. I can't blame them. Its going to be a rough week though, But it will help my 2ww go by faster that way, unless AF shows which I think it is.

Have a great week everyone. I hope there are more BFPs on the board like this week!!!

Harvest Season

2008-10-25T17:37:00.002-04:00

I love love love this time of year. Tim and I went and got a nice big pumpkin at the patch today. We realized something as we were scouring through the rows and rows of pumpkins, we never went pumpkin picking together..EVER. Strange I know but this is the first year in so many years that he is home for all the holidays. He is either deployed overseas or away on a training mission or at school for something., Its so nice to have him home for everything this year. So this weekend we will make a yummy dinner, make some pumpkin cheesecake and homemade pumpkin seeds and watch indiana jones!! Its a nice relaxing weekend. I hope everyone has a stress free weekend like we are!

What a week!

2008-10-24T22:37:00.002-04:00

Wow this week has been a whirlwind!! It started off with me and hubby bumpin uglies till I bust a kidney..Which is a little better but I still can not lay on my right side and it hurts to get up from sitting or laying down or roll in bed but I can walk etc without any pain at all. So it looks like things are healing. I went to my endocrinologist yesterday and he increased my thyroid medication because he feels that my thyroid may be contributing to my multiple miscarriages and then he sent me to a New perinatalogist today to get worked up for something that my other doctors never tested me for before. They think that I have a clotting disorder called Von Willabrans (*sp) which can be the reason why when I make it to a certain milestone in pregnancy and get an ultrasound there is no heartbeat. This clotting disease can be causing clots in the umbilical cord that is then causing the baby to not get any blood to nourish it thus causing fatal demise. So my new doctor started me back on 81mg of baby aspirin and he is considering putting me on Methyldopa to make sure my blood pressure stays on the low side. Right now since I am ovulating we are going to wait to see if I get a BFP. If I do get a BFP then He is going to increase my progesterone supplements to a daily injectable version which he thinks along with the aspirin will increase my chances of carrying a baby to fullterm or at least close enough to have a healthy baby. IF I get BFN then he wants to repeat an HSG which I have not had in about 6 years along with all these other hormone tests. I had to repeat my prolactin, progesterone, FSH, LH etc today and I have to go in the next couple of weeks to check how my body processes insulin. All which can contribute to me not being able to carry a child to term or get pregnant a little easier than I have been. So IF I get a BFN then I will go and see the new perinatalogist in a month. IF I get a BFP then I have to haul ass back to his office for a chance in progesterone treatments and set up Ultrasounds every two weeks until I give birth. So it sounds promising, we will see. xxxxxxxxxxx Fingers for a BFP because it sounds like this new guy really knows what will work this time so I am so anxious to see if I can finally do this!!

Congrats to all of those who got BFP's this week!!

I am such a dork!

2008-10-20T13:58:00.002-04:00

I swear when it rains it pours. Hubby and I had an arguement late last night, nothing big but rather an arguement no less. Well it ending up in the normal make up whoopie and lets just put it this way. I fell onto the coffee table in the living room and ended up in the ER until 10am this morning with a Kidney laceration. Yup you heard it right, it hit the table so damn hard that It caused my kidney (the side that hit the table) to get a little tear in it. Do you comprehend the pain that I was in. Hubby at first thought, oh shake it off you will be fine but as the night went on I couldnt move, my back and my side were in so much pain I would get nauseous everytime I moved in bed. So finally he said thats it, we are going to the hospital. So of course I refused to tell the Doc what happened. Hello EMBARRASSING, then he says well I think you may have a kidney stone, so lets get a CT Scan. I was like ummmmm wellllllll in that case let me tell you something. The laughter that we got was unbearable. So we did the Ct Scan anyway and It is not life threatening obviously or I wouldnt be posting and they gave me IV delauded and valium along with scripts for muscle relaxers, lortab and valium to help me heal and sleep with the pain, since I can not take anything else due to a risk of bleeding. They said its so small that it will heal on its own but if I notice any blood in my urine to hall ass back to the ER. In all we were in and out of there in 4 hours (thanks to the good ole, take care of one of their own policies)..I am home and now just woke up from my drug induced state. So I get to miss work today and tomorrow lucky me and hubby is afraid now to ever get it on, any other way but missionary position laying firmly planted on the bed. My answer to him, was next time have a better grip damn it. I kept my ER bracelet from Today as a token of our crazy night.

A wonderful day!

2008-10-19T21:46:00.002-04:00

Tim and I had a great date night last night. We bundled up because its shockingly cold here. We went to P.F. Changs for dinner and ordered our fav dishes and sat there and fed each other trying to use chopsticks (we suck at this by the way). We went to H&M since they were having a good grand opening sale and I got Brett and Hunter each a really nice sweater and pants with a dress shirt to go with their xmas presents. OH and I got this AWESOME dress at Old Navy for 2 dollars, yup 2 bux! I was stoked!! We then went to a movie "Max Payne" it was okay, nothing amazing, Next week it is my turn to pick the movie, we alternate weeks so we can each watch a movie we would like to see. We then came home and snuggled in bed, it was so nice because it was chilly out and I hate having the heat on, it gives me a migraine.

Today we got out of bed so late which is unusual for us. We went to lunch at our fav sub place called "baldinos", it reminds of subs back home in New England. This business was having a going out of business sale so we went and bought some cute dress shoes for Brett and Hunter to go with their outfits I bought yesterday and I got them a pair of Adidas sneakers since they love to match their shoes to their outfits, they are such stylish boys. I still need to start shopping for all the rest of my family. I have 8 sisters and a Brother so imagine all the nieces and nephews even though I do have my favs. Thats not including hubbys family but he said he doesnt want to do anything this year for them since they are so harse to me. So I told him, that he can be in charge of whatever he wants to do for them.

Then we went to this place called Brand Smart, it was a bit of a drive but I got a great deal on a new freezer for the house since we needed one. So we went home and hooked it up to start freezing and went to the market and stocked up on yummy veggies and stuff for my husband but then OMG I found this sale on ICE CREAM 10 for $10 of the little pints of my FAV German Chocolate Cake.. Its soo yummy with chocolate ice cream infused with coconut and pecans..TO die for, I cant wait for dessert.

Came home and watched a movie while I made a yummy dinner for hubby and just the rest of the night snuggling on the sofa before a long week ahead of us.

My shoes

2008-10-19T01:52:00.002-04:00

ya know its like no place is safe. I can not even go on a public board that is supposed to be for women trying to get pregnant, thinking about getting pregnant or who are pregnant. Wow, they think I am the enemy so when let them. Its just sad that I have to deal with this crap in my life and online too. All I said this time was "I know I am the enemy" meaning she probably doesnt want to hear it from me because everyone hates me...BUT good luck because I truly heartfeltly meant good luck and be safe. I was excited for this person to be on her way to having her baby. I did not mean it to be ohhh poor me...I meant it as, I know you dont want to hear from me but good luck, honestly and I cant even say that. I just give up. I cant win for losing. I can not get any support from my family because no one has been through what I have in my family and they all think its gods plan for me to not have children, I get the same thing from work, "maybe its not meant to be". My friends are all having babies and dont understand the torture it is to be me. My husbands family really doesnt want me having children because well god knows his bitch mother would think there goes her life insurance if something happened to my husband. I get the old well its a blessing you survived cancer, why would you want to risk it by getting pregnant. WELL frankly because I want to be a mother more than I want to live and breathe. I cant even go on a board...its pathetic. Im over it seriously. I give up trying, I give up trying to have a baby, I give it all up. I just cant take it anymore. I am not meant to be a mother. So I quit. I feel bad that my husband is the one who will suffer from it. He can easily go have a baby with someone else. He is the love of my life and frankly I do not deserve him. But apparently I have done something to deserve the torture that is my life. so I just quit. No more babies, no more trying.

Cracking Up!!

2008-10-18T17:33:00.002-04:00

Oh what a laugh I had today. I love when people who are so bitter in their own lives that they have to try and reflect that on other people.. I love internet bullies who think they know everything about every situation that can occur on earth. Self reflect little lady You don't know shit unless you have lived it. So unless you are perfect which I highly doubt, take a big wiff cuz your shit still stinks.

I on the other hand, know what I have lived through frankly because I am educated in the practices and policies that affect my family. I do not stand idly by and wait for things to happen. I choose to do something about it. And since this is the internet I can choose to click the little power button on the box in front of me and go back to my reality where no one in this little box matter to me in my everyday life.

Me oh my!!

2008-10-16T22:11:00.003-04:00

Well I got some news today that is exciting for my husband but so sad for me. I love where we are, I love my job and I would hate to have to leave it. I have worked in Dermatology for over 10 years and I have been with this practice for under 2 years now since we moved here to the Atlanta area. I love being the Clinic Manager, I love all my surgeries and patients and the staff, I swear its like one big family. The pay is great, well less than I made back home in RI but its great for this area and I am happy. The docs I work with are all amazing and caring and treat us all as equals and not like they are better than us. Well my husband has been in the Army since we graduated from College and At the time he could not get the job he wanted most in the army and well that job just came up. He can take it if he wants to. He wants to work for the Military Police, They have a Criminal Investigation Division and something else. If he takes the job that means I have to leave mine and move to some remote place in I dont know where and start at the bottom again. I will know no one and have no job and start by being the new girl again. What if we have a baby?? That means he will deploy AGAIN for the 5th time and leave me whereever we go alone with a baby and a job I dont know. I have followed him around for years and sacrifing my happiness in my job, when is it my turn? He could easily say no and we get to stay here and I get to keep my job and my "family" at work. I dont think he is seeing the big picture with how miserable I will be while he is so happy in his new career. Its not fair. Is it selfish of me to just want some time for me. When do I get my dream?

Lovely Work

2008-10-15T19:12:00.003-04:00

Ok I seriously work too much, I wonder if that is a big contributor to my demise in the KU department?? I get to work around 7am and usually work straight through lunch or maybe have 15 mins to grab a bite. Then I work some more straight till at least 5:30 at the earliest. Then I go and sit in an hour of Gwinnett traffic...Go home cook, deal with hubby and then bed.. That in a nutshell is my life. BORING!! I have no down time really. my body must be worn out! Hmm Wondering if i schedule a getaway with hubby may make some progress. Our last vacation together ALONE was u,mmmmmmm never! We always travel to see family. Its stressful, I think Im going to do something about it. Im planning some time for hubby and I.

Love my hubby

2008-10-14T18:45:00.003-04:00

My husband is the sweetest man (even though I have days where I do want to lock him in the closet). I have been having terrible migraines lately, its all due to the hormones etc. He knows what a hard time I have sleeping at night sometimes and what does he do? I was in bed last night waiting for him to come to bed since we both have an early morning, knowing that I would not get any sleep so he comes in and kisses me goodnight and says that he is going to sleep in the spare room last night so that I can bundle myself up with my blankets and pillows in the middle of the bed (my fav place) and get cozy and snuggled in so I can get a good nights sleep. I sleep with a ton of pillows and well that doesnt work with a man in bed next to you. So that was so sweet, I got a good nights sleep and my migraine is down to a dull headache. He then proceeds to send me a a sweet little I love you message while I was at work today. He always seems to find the time to send it when I am down the most. Its like he is in my brain. I am such a lucky woman to have such an incredible man by my side through all the ugly and all the good. It doesnt hurt that he is a stone cold fox too...To me he is the sexiest man alive.

Its too hard

2008-10-13T21:52:00.002-04:00

I love my husband so much!! Thank god he is so supportive of everything I do and he is always there for me when I am down in the dumps. Today was a tough day at work. I actually left work 2 hours early because frankly I couldn't bare it anymore. Today was a holiday and of course all the kids come in to the office to be seen for various illnesses and so many new moms bringing in their brand new babies for check ups due to infant rashes, dry skin, congenital birth marks etc...or simply the moms coming in to be seen themselves but bring their infant in tow with them. I CAN NOT take seeing one more crying baby..IT IS MAKING MY OVARIES SCREAM!!! Why can I not have a baby? What did I do so wrong that I can not have a child with the love of my life? Why is it that women who can not take care of their babies are breeding like rabbits and I just can't have ONE with my loving husband. I don't get it. Oh well this is our last cycle to try and if it doesnt work, well then I promised to raise the white flag and call it over.

On a funnier note, as I am typing this my husband is screaming in agony because our furbaby Prada just french kissed him so now he has to go scrub his tongue.

Days like this make me sad.

2008-10-12T19:41:00.004-04:00

Days like today, Crisp fall sundays at home make me sad. We take the dog for a nice walk, sit at home to yummy homecooked meals and enjoy each others company on the sofa while watching great movies while watching our little furbaby play with her toys on the floor. All the while I sit there wondering what life would be life if we had a little baby playing on the floor with his/her toys. Someone else in the house to share our life with. I love my husband don't get me wrong but it feels like something is missing in our life and he feels it too. I think that after all we have been through with his deployments and my cancer that is time for us to be blessed with a family. Sometimes its so hard thinking that I am wasting his life on me. He wants a family just as much as I do but I know he can have a family with anyone, its just myself that can not. I feel like I am holding him back and he is nothing less than the sweetest man I know by always reassuring me that if we do not ever have a baby thats fine with him as long as we are together and he can chase me around the nursing home some day. But still, sigh, I want to give him the world not just a little peice of it. For years we have tried and well frankly we are running out of money still trying for this pipe dream of ours. Endless IVF, FET, hormone replacement, tests you name it. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel. Hopefully it will happen soon because I do not foresee us being able to try much longer.

Mother in law from hell..

2008-10-11T15:41:00.001-04:00

Ok seriously.......I LOVE My husband but how on earth did he come from that woman?? He must take after his father who has the patience of a saint. Okay I made my husband swear on his life to me that if we get pregnant again he is not to tell his mother until I send the birth announcement. I don't even want him to tell her that we are still trying to have a baby because seriously I do not think that I can take another snide remark from her.

I want a baby, I want a baby so badly it hurts inside everytime someone in my family gets pregnant and has one but I am the brave woman that I am that I just put on my best smile and cooo and oooh and ahhh over their little bundles of love. I shower them in presents that I wish I could buy for my own baby. BLAHHHHHHHHH my life.

Anyhoo back to the MIL.... okay so she hates me, the reason she hates me is because I took her baby, her youngest child away from her. SHE LOVED ME until we moved in together. She used to call me when my husband was deployed, we used to have great converstations, I used to go over to her house and just sit and talk. I would take her dinner and we would have a good time. I even took care of her husband and every little thing she needed when he had a stroke and my husband and his brother were away with the military because I love my husband and his family is supposed to be my family. I knew they didnt have much money and since his dad was in the hospital there was no income for them so I helped them out a lot. I never asked nor wanted repayment EVER and I still don't because that is what family does (even though her son and I were only dating)...

But as soon as my husband came home from Iraq and he decided to stay with me at my parents house, she started being weird. When My husband went back to his duty station in Georgia and I stayed in RI where my and his family was, she again would call etc. She told me how great I was to him etc. But then one day I decided, ya know what. My husband (then BF) shouldnt have to be in GA all alone so I packed up and moved down there with him. I found a house, a job and moved him in with me to get him out of the Army barracks where he was living in his one room on the military base alone. I took care of him, loved him and did everything I needed to do to support him in times of war.

Well, hubby popped the question and we immediately called his mother to tell her the news. His dad was excited because he likes me...His mother KNOWING we were on speaker phone proceeded to tell him that I was the biggest mistake he ever made and she hung up the phone.

Now let me let you in on a little something. His paycheck was being direct deposited into her bank account and she was paying his bills (WHEN she paid them). But now hubby wanted to get a joint account together so we can make a home together since we were going to get married. SHE FLIPPED (mind you we were adults in our mid-20s)... She wanted his paycheck. I make more money than him so what the hell do I care for. I told him just let her deal with his bills etc if she is going to be nasty about it and I will pay for the house etc. He put his foot down and said no because he and I are a family and this is our home and we will do it together.

Well he deployed to Iraq again a few months later and I took care of all his bills, I worked overtime to pay off some of his college loans. I worked so hard for that year to save money for us for when he returned. She never called me once to see how I was, she only wrote to him a few times and he was bitter about it that he never wrote her. My parents supported him emotionally while he was gone. She would call me asking why he didnt write her or call her and I told her that I have nothing to do with that or any control of that since HELLOhe is 8000 miles away from me. If he chooses not to write then well that is his choice. But me being a bitch told her how I get to talk to him at least twice a day. I know mean oh well.

I finally got the dates of when he will be returning from Iraq so I invited his mom and dad down to Georgia to be here for his homecoming FROM WAR!!! I offered to pay for the plane tickets everything and she said no because she can not take time from work (she was a cashier at walgreens. big deal your son is coming home from IRAQ)...well hubby came home and the next day we found out his mother was all the way across the country in Washington visiting his brother and his wife, mind you his brother has never been to war. WTF IS THAT ABOUT, I was so hurt for him.

Well then I got pregnant finally but sadly ended up miscarrying and his mother had the balls to say, Oh well that is for the best. I wanted to scream at her.

Anyhoo, I got diagnosed with cancer and went through radiation, chemo and a double mastectomy and you know his mother NEVER called to see how I was ever..... Never sent a card or flowers nothing at all but when His dad had a hernia surgery she nearly flipped a lid because we didnt send flowers or anything..it was like HELLOOOOO IM IN BED BALD WITH NO BREASTS that is the least of my concerns.

Tim and I got pregnant again afterwards I was so excited because my oncologist said it was a miracle because I should not be able to get pregnant the old fashioned way..We called his mom to tell them and his dad was so excited his mothers response however is, maybe you shouldnt have the baby, your health is more important. Well I miscarried and my husband called her to tell her and her answer again was well thats the best thing for her right now, she shouldnt have a baby BUT OH your brother is expecting. Great thanks just slap my husband in the face when he just lost a child and you tell him that his brothers wife is pregnant. Could that not have waited just a few days so that my husband could grieve?

Well we keep trying and trying and trying and nothing happens besides miscarriages or nothing at all,. So I give up. Tim and I decided to look into adoption and HIS MOTHER had the nerve to say oh then I can have a stepgrandchild too... I was like WHAT THE FUCKKC...... It wouldnt be your stepgrandchild you half wit. It would be your grandchild..So my husband corrected her saying no it would be our child thus your grandchild and she said well its not the same, maybe you are not meant to have children. Its not good to keep trying so maybe you two can just be happy the way you are. Again, thanks for the compassion. So I kick the idea of adopting and tell my husband so help him god we are going to have a baby. and well here I am, still no baby.

What did I do in my life to deserve such misery and to have her in my life arggghhhhhhhhh. So I told my husband that he can not tell her that we are still trying nor tell her when or if I get pregnant because the stress alone will torture me.