decisions decisions decisions.

Tim and I are throughly enjoying our ceasing of the TTC business. For the first time in almost a decade I am relaxed and content with the way things are going in our life. We are "dating", enjoying each others company, just hanging out and doing nothing but love each other. There is no longer this intense need to have sex all the time in an effort to make a baby. Instead we actually have not had sex since before christmas and ya know what??? we actually don't mind it.

I could just lay with my husband and kiss him for hours. I enjoy just rebonding with each other, seeking out the origional reason we got married. To spend our lives together, we married each other because we as a couple did not want to live apart. I mean a baby would have been an amazing addition but that is not the reason we got married, it is just an added bonus. So instead of focusing our marriage around babies, we are refocusing our marriage around us, the central unit.

The stress is off our shoulders, things dont seem so forced anymore. After the pregnancy losses we have had in the past, its good for us to remember the good times we had before all of this started. No more heartache (it still hurts to have lost a child but the daily torture of Am I Pregnant? is gone)..

Just when things seem to be progressing and our family turning a positive corner, I get thrown a wrench into the middle again. My new doctor thinks they have unmasked my fertility issues. A simple diagnosis coupled with my horrible thyroid problems could be fixed and quickly. My thyroid was damaged from all the medications and radiation I was given years back. So I had to have it radiated in order to stop all of the symptoms I was getting from it. So I am forced to take daily medication (like many others in this world) to supplement my thyroid. Here I thought it was as simple as that.

When your thyroid level is higher than 1.5 to 2 it lowers considerably the ability for an embryo to attach to your uterus. My levels are 6.47 and that is on medication. So they have changed my meds because I need to have them adjusted often in order to fight off weight gain and fatigue.

Now add that with the fact that they think I am insulin resistant which can cease ovulation or at least the ovulation of viable eggs. So today, I had another test to see if that is the case. I failed my fasting glucose test last week so I had to have a 2 hour glucose tolerance test today (torture). If I fail this test then they will add Actos to the metformin that I used to take (was given to help ovulation in the past during IF treatments). So I will have to go back on Metformin plus Actos this time. I will find out the results tomorrow for that.

So the decision is, do I restart all of this ttc drama in my life or just say FUCK IT and go on with our plans to adopt someday. My husband wants to try to have a biological child if the new RE is optimistic that with the proper treatments, I can actually get pregnant and sustain a pregnancy this time (thanks to my trusty aspirin a day for clotting, the diagnosis for the fatal demise of previous pregnancies).

I dont know if emotionally I can go through all of this again. Its going to be hard but I dont want to regret in the future all of the what ifs , if I dont try. So I made me decision. I will take the meds for one month. If my body is doing okay on them all then I will continue with the medication and use the if I happens, It happens method for 3 months. If I do not get pregnant then I will go back to charting cm, charting Sex, charting CP etc to gauge when I am ovulating and the probability of pregnancy. Right now I just temp because I like to see the temp drop to know when AF is showing, so that there are no surprises in my life. I dont look for cross hairs, If I get them, I do not analyze them. If at the end of 6 months, I am not pregnant then I am done trying. I am going to be 32 next week and I need to come to the realization that it has not happened yet after all these years, its not going to happen and just move on.

I really just dont want to jump into all these false hopes and fantasies only to be slammed back to reality at the end of 6 months. My husband wants to try and I do want to get pregnant but I am being realistic about it, but for my husband I think he deserves this one last chance at it considering he has been through everything with me and never ever faltered in his support of me.

So wish me luck.