Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!!

Happy halloween everyone!! Omg what a day at work, I am so tired. This poor man came in for a minor skin cancer (so we thought) on his ear at 8:15am...the surgery did not end until almost 5pm. His little skin cancer ended up being his entire ear. We had to remove all the damaged tissue and then take a huge piece of skin from his neck and build him all new ear. I felt so bad for this man I wanted to cry for him. Its all done with local anesthesia and he was wide awake for the whole thing. We even took a break and went and bought him lunch so he could get a grip on himself he was so upset. God that doesnt happen often but I hate when it does, its always the nicest people too and the assholes get off with a little tiny thing.

Anywhooo, I am dying to get AF or my BFP..I can not wait any longer. I still have 6 days until I can offically test but I cant wait. I had to test at work with a cheapie and obviously a BFN because its not an early response.. Tomorrow I will take FMU and go poas...The wait is killing me. I know the odds of me actually being PG are like 1% if that but GOD I need to know so I can move on..

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I am sooo looking forward to vacation.

Tim and I are going on vacation back to our home state (yall know where we are from "islanders") for christmas vacation!! We leave Georgia on xmas eve afternoon and we do not come back until January 5th. I can not wait to see my family and the snow!! We have not had a vacation or time off really since April when we last went home to visit. Work is strenuous but I love it but I am really exhausted and need some time to not use my brain. I love going home to my moms amazing home cooking and the house I grew up in and sleep in my old bed. Its always nice going back home plus we get to bring all those yankees some great southern presents which they always look forward to. This thanksgiving its just DH and I so we are going to get relaxed at a nice hotel and enjoy ourselves!!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Lazy day!

Wow we didnt get anything done today. We went out to lunch, then to the market. We got home and just hung out and did nothing. I finally got dinner in the oven and washed dishes but I think that is it for the day. I just want to hang out with hubby and watch a movie. This weekend was relaxing with nothing planned.

On a downer, I am having some cramping today, nothing major just bizarre. I hope AF doesn't come early because that would just ruin my week!! Hubby and I FWP for the past two weeks, I hope all the advice from my docs works. If not then its off to get another HSG since mine is about 5 years old they want to repeat it. Ughhhhh.....xxxxxxxxx fingers for a BFP and with all the intervention now that they seem to have an idea as to why I M/C all the time, I am really feeling positive. I owe the doc I work with a lot for recommending this new doc to me. He is young, Right out of Emory Hospital this passed august. He is up to date on new technology and all these medical advances with it seems to have meant to be that I went to Him.

This work week will be long!! We have surgery Tues, Thurs and Friday this week which never happens but since the holiday season is coming around the corner, patients want to get their skin cancers treated before the holidays so scars have time to heal. I can't blame them. Its going to be a rough week though, But it will help my 2ww go by faster that way, unless AF shows which I think it is.

Have a great week everyone. I hope there are more BFPs on the board like this week!!!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Harvest Season

I love love love this time of year. Tim and I went and got a nice big pumpkin at the patch today. We realized something as we were scouring through the rows and rows of pumpkins, we never went pumpkin picking together..EVER. Strange I know but this is the first year in so many years that he is home for all the holidays. He is either deployed overseas or away on a training mission or at school for something., Its so nice to have him home for everything this year. So this weekend we will make a yummy dinner, make some pumpkin cheesecake and homemade pumpkin seeds and watch indiana jones!! Its a nice relaxing weekend. I hope everyone has a stress free weekend like we are!

Friday, October 24, 2008

What a week!

Wow this week has been a whirlwind!! It started off with me and hubby bumpin uglies till I bust a kidney..Which is a little better but I still can not lay on my right side and it hurts to get up from sitting or laying down or roll in bed but I can walk etc without any pain at all. So it looks like things are healing. I went to my endocrinologist yesterday and he increased my thyroid medication because he feels that my thyroid may be contributing to my multiple miscarriages and then he sent me to a New perinatalogist today to get worked up for something that my other doctors never tested me for before. They think that I have a clotting disorder called Von Willabrans (*sp) which can be the reason why when I make it to a certain milestone in pregnancy and get an ultrasound there is no heartbeat. This clotting disease can be causing clots in the umbilical cord that is then causing the baby to not get any blood to nourish it thus causing fatal demise. So my new doctor started me back on 81mg of baby aspirin and he is considering putting me on Methyldopa to make sure my blood pressure stays on the low side. Right now since I am ovulating we are going to wait to see if I get a BFP. If I do get a BFP then He is going to increase my progesterone supplements to a daily injectable version which he thinks along with the aspirin will increase my chances of carrying a baby to fullterm or at least close enough to have a healthy baby. IF I get BFN then he wants to repeat an HSG which I have not had in about 6 years along with all these other hormone tests. I had to repeat my prolactin, progesterone, FSH, LH etc today and I have to go in the next couple of weeks to check how my body processes insulin. All which can contribute to me not being able to carry a child to term or get pregnant a little easier than I have been. So IF I get a BFN then I will go and see the new perinatalogist in a month. IF I get a BFP then I have to haul ass back to his office for a chance in progesterone treatments and set up Ultrasounds every two weeks until I give birth. So it sounds promising, we will see. xxxxxxxxxxx Fingers for a BFP because it sounds like this new guy really knows what will work this time so I am so anxious to see if I can finally do this!!

Congrats to all of those who got BFP's this week!!

Monday, October 20, 2008

I am such a dork!

I swear when it rains it pours. Hubby and I had an arguement late last night, nothing big but rather an arguement no less. Well it ending up in the normal make up whoopie and lets just put it this way. I fell onto the coffee table in the living room and ended up in the ER until 10am this morning with a Kidney laceration. Yup you heard it right, it hit the table so damn hard that It caused my kidney (the side that hit the table) to get a little tear in it. Do you comprehend the pain that I was in. Hubby at first thought, oh shake it off you will be fine but as the night went on I couldnt move, my back and my side were in so much pain I would get nauseous everytime I moved in bed. So finally he said thats it, we are going to the hospital. So of course I refused to tell the Doc what happened. Hello EMBARRASSING, then he says well I think you may have a kidney stone, so lets get a CT Scan. I was like ummmmm wellllllll in that case let me tell you something. The laughter that we got was unbearable. So we did the Ct Scan anyway and It is not life threatening obviously or I wouldnt be posting and they gave me IV delauded and valium along with scripts for muscle relaxers, lortab and valium to help me heal and sleep with the pain, since I can not take anything else due to a risk of bleeding. They said its so small that it will heal on its own but if I notice any blood in my urine to hall ass back to the ER. In all we were in and out of there in 4 hours (thanks to the good ole, take care of one of their own policies)..I am home and now just woke up from my drug induced state. So I get to miss work today and tomorrow lucky me and hubby is afraid now to ever get it on, any other way but missionary position laying firmly planted on the bed. My answer to him, was next time have a better grip damn it. I kept my ER bracelet from Today as a token of our crazy night.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

A wonderful day!

Tim and I had a great date night last night. We bundled up because its shockingly cold here. We went to P.F. Changs for dinner and ordered our fav dishes and sat there and fed each other trying to use chopsticks (we suck at this by the way). We went to H&M since they were having a good grand opening sale and I got Brett and Hunter each a really nice sweater and pants with a dress shirt to go with their xmas presents. OH and I got this AWESOME dress at Old Navy for 2 dollars, yup 2 bux! I was stoked!! We then went to a movie "Max Payne" it was okay, nothing amazing, Next week it is my turn to pick the movie, we alternate weeks so we can each watch a movie we would like to see. We then came home and snuggled in bed, it was so nice because it was chilly out and I hate having the heat on, it gives me a migraine.

Today we got out of bed so late which is unusual for us. We went to lunch at our fav sub place called "baldinos", it reminds of subs back home in New England. This business was having a going out of business sale so we went and bought some cute dress shoes for Brett and Hunter to go with their outfits I bought yesterday and I got them a pair of Adidas sneakers since they love to match their shoes to their outfits, they are such stylish boys. I still need to start shopping for all the rest of my family. I have 8 sisters and a Brother so imagine all the nieces and nephews even though I do have my favs. Thats not including hubbys family but he said he doesnt want to do anything this year for them since they are so harse to me. So I told him, that he can be in charge of whatever he wants to do for them.

Then we went to this place called Brand Smart, it was a bit of a drive but I got a great deal on a new freezer for the house since we needed one. So we went home and hooked it up to start freezing and went to the market and stocked up on yummy veggies and stuff for my husband but then OMG I found this sale on ICE CREAM 10 for $10 of the little pints of my FAV German Chocolate Cake.. Its soo yummy with chocolate ice cream infused with coconut and pecans..TO die for, I cant wait for dessert.

Came home and watched a movie while I made a yummy dinner for hubby and just the rest of the night snuggling on the sofa before a long week ahead of us.

My shoes

ya know its like no place is safe. I can not even go on a public board that is supposed to be for women trying to get pregnant, thinking about getting pregnant or who are pregnant. Wow, they think I am the enemy so when let them. Its just sad that I have to deal with this crap in my life and online too. All I said this time was "I know I am the enemy" meaning she probably doesnt want to hear it from me because everyone hates me...BUT good luck because I truly heartfeltly meant good luck and be safe. I was excited for this person to be on her way to having her baby. I did not mean it to be ohhh poor me...I meant it as, I know you dont want to hear from me but good luck, honestly and I cant even say that. I just give up. I cant win for losing. I can not get any support from my family because no one has been through what I have in my family and they all think its gods plan for me to not have children, I get the same thing from work, "maybe its not meant to be". My friends are all having babies and dont understand the torture it is to be me. My husbands family really doesnt want me having children because well god knows his bitch mother would think there goes her life insurance if something happened to my husband. I get the old well its a blessing you survived cancer, why would you want to risk it by getting pregnant. WELL frankly because I want to be a mother more than I want to live and breathe. I cant even go on a board...its pathetic. Im over it seriously. I give up trying, I give up trying to have a baby, I give it all up. I just cant take it anymore. I am not meant to be a mother. So I quit. I feel bad that my husband is the one who will suffer from it. He can easily go have a baby with someone else. He is the love of my life and frankly I do not deserve him. But apparently I have done something to deserve the torture that is my life. so I just quit. No more babies, no more trying.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Cracking Up!!

Oh what a laugh I had today. I love when people who are so bitter in their own lives that they have to try and reflect that on other people.. I love internet bullies who think they know everything about every situation that can occur on earth. Self reflect little lady You don't know shit unless you have lived it. So unless you are perfect which I highly doubt, take a big wiff cuz your shit still stinks.

I on the other hand, know what I have lived through frankly because I am educated in the practices and policies that affect my family. I do not stand idly by and wait for things to happen. I choose to do something about it. And since this is the internet I can choose to click the little power button on the box in front of me and go back to my reality where no one in this little box matter to me in my everyday life.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Me oh my!!

Well I got some news today that is exciting for my husband but so sad for me. I love where we are, I love my job and I would hate to have to leave it. I have worked in Dermatology for over 10 years and I have been with this practice for under 2 years now since we moved here to the Atlanta area. I love being the Clinic Manager, I love all my surgeries and patients and the staff, I swear its like one big family. The pay is great, well less than I made back home in RI but its great for this area and I am happy. The docs I work with are all amazing and caring and treat us all as equals and not like they are better than us. Well my husband has been in the Army since we graduated from College and At the time he could not get the job he wanted most in the army and well that job just came up. He can take it if he wants to. He wants to work for the Military Police, They have a Criminal Investigation Division and something else. If he takes the job that means I have to leave mine and move to some remote place in I dont know where and start at the bottom again. I will know no one and have no job and start by being the new girl again. What if we have a baby?? That means he will deploy AGAIN for the 5th time and leave me whereever we go alone with a baby and a job I dont know. I have followed him around for years and sacrifing my happiness in my job, when is it my turn? He could easily say no and we get to stay here and I get to keep my job and my "family" at work. I dont think he is seeing the big picture with how miserable I will be while he is so happy in his new career. Its not fair. Is it selfish of me to just want some time for me. When do I get my dream?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Lovely Work

Ok I seriously work too much, I wonder if that is a big contributor to my demise in the KU department?? I get to work around 7am and usually work straight through lunch or maybe have 15 mins to grab a bite. Then I work some more straight till at least 5:30 at the earliest. Then I go and sit in an hour of Gwinnett traffic...Go home cook, deal with hubby and then bed.. That in a nutshell is my life. BORING!! I have no down time really. my body must be worn out! Hmm Wondering if i schedule a getaway with hubby may make some progress. Our last vacation together ALONE was u,mmmmmmm never! We always travel to see family. Its stressful, I think Im going to do something about it. Im planning some time for hubby and I.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Love my hubby

My husband is the sweetest man (even though I have days where I do want to lock him in the closet). I have been having terrible migraines lately, its all due to the hormones etc. He knows what a hard time I have sleeping at night sometimes and what does he do? I was in bed last night waiting for him to come to bed since we both have an early morning, knowing that I would not get any sleep so he comes in and kisses me goodnight and says that he is going to sleep in the spare room last night so that I can bundle myself up with my blankets and pillows in the middle of the bed (my fav place) and get cozy and snuggled in so I can get a good nights sleep. I sleep with a ton of pillows and well that doesnt work with a man in bed next to you. So that was so sweet, I got a good nights sleep and my migraine is down to a dull headache. He then proceeds to send me a a sweet little I love you message while I was at work today. He always seems to find the time to send it when I am down the most. Its like he is in my brain. I am such a lucky woman to have such an incredible man by my side through all the ugly and all the good. It doesnt hurt that he is a stone cold fox too...To me he is the sexiest man alive.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Its too hard

I love my husband so much!! Thank god he is so supportive of everything I do and he is always there for me when I am down in the dumps. Today was a tough day at work. I actually left work 2 hours early because frankly I couldn't bare it anymore. Today was a holiday and of course all the kids come in to the office to be seen for various illnesses and so many new moms bringing in their brand new babies for check ups due to infant rashes, dry skin, congenital birth marks etc...or simply the moms coming in to be seen themselves but bring their infant in tow with them. I CAN NOT take seeing one more crying baby..IT IS MAKING MY OVARIES SCREAM!!! Why can I not have a baby? What did I do so wrong that I can not have a child with the love of my life? Why is it that women who can not take care of their babies are breeding like rabbits and I just can't have ONE with my loving husband. I don't get it. Oh well this is our last cycle to try and if it doesnt work, well then I promised to raise the white flag and call it over.

On a funnier note, as I am typing this my husband is screaming in agony because our furbaby Prada just french kissed him so now he has to go scrub his tongue.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Days like this make me sad.

Days like today, Crisp fall sundays at home make me sad. We take the dog for a nice walk, sit at home to yummy homecooked meals and enjoy each others company on the sofa while watching great movies while watching our little furbaby play with her toys on the floor. All the while I sit there wondering what life would be life if we had a little baby playing on the floor with his/her toys. Someone else in the house to share our life with. I love my husband don't get me wrong but it feels like something is missing in our life and he feels it too. I think that after all we have been through with his deployments and my cancer that is time for us to be blessed with a family. Sometimes its so hard thinking that I am wasting his life on me. He wants a family just as much as I do but I know he can have a family with anyone, its just myself that can not. I feel like I am holding him back and he is nothing less than the sweetest man I know by always reassuring me that if we do not ever have a baby thats fine with him as long as we are together and he can chase me around the nursing home some day. But still, sigh, I want to give him the world not just a little peice of it. For years we have tried and well frankly we are running out of money still trying for this pipe dream of ours. Endless IVF, FET, hormone replacement, tests you name it. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel. Hopefully it will happen soon because I do not foresee us being able to try much longer.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Mother in law from hell..

Ok seriously.......I LOVE My husband but how on earth did he come from that woman?? He must take after his father who has the patience of a saint. Okay I made my husband swear on his life to me that if we get pregnant again he is not to tell his mother until I send the birth announcement. I don't even want him to tell her that we are still trying to have a baby because seriously I do not think that I can take another snide remark from her.

I want a baby, I want a baby so badly it hurts inside everytime someone in my family gets pregnant and has one but I am the brave woman that I am that I just put on my best smile and cooo and oooh and ahhh over their little bundles of love. I shower them in presents that I wish I could buy for my own baby. BLAHHHHHHHHH my life.

Anyhoo back to the MIL.... okay so she hates me, the reason she hates me is because I took her baby, her youngest child away from her. SHE LOVED ME until we moved in together. She used to call me when my husband was deployed, we used to have great converstations, I used to go over to her house and just sit and talk. I would take her dinner and we would have a good time. I even took care of her husband and every little thing she needed when he had a stroke and my husband and his brother were away with the military because I love my husband and his family is supposed to be my family. I knew they didnt have much money and since his dad was in the hospital there was no income for them so I helped them out a lot. I never asked nor wanted repayment EVER and I still don't because that is what family does (even though her son and I were only dating)...

But as soon as my husband came home from Iraq and he decided to stay with me at my parents house, she started being weird. When My husband went back to his duty station in Georgia and I stayed in RI where my and his family was, she again would call etc. She told me how great I was to him etc. But then one day I decided, ya know what. My husband (then BF) shouldnt have to be in GA all alone so I packed up and moved down there with him. I found a house, a job and moved him in with me to get him out of the Army barracks where he was living in his one room on the military base alone. I took care of him, loved him and did everything I needed to do to support him in times of war.

Well, hubby popped the question and we immediately called his mother to tell her the news. His dad was excited because he likes me...His mother KNOWING we were on speaker phone proceeded to tell him that I was the biggest mistake he ever made and she hung up the phone.

Now let me let you in on a little something. His paycheck was being direct deposited into her bank account and she was paying his bills (WHEN she paid them). But now hubby wanted to get a joint account together so we can make a home together since we were going to get married. SHE FLIPPED (mind you we were adults in our mid-20s)... She wanted his paycheck. I make more money than him so what the hell do I care for. I told him just let her deal with his bills etc if she is going to be nasty about it and I will pay for the house etc. He put his foot down and said no because he and I are a family and this is our home and we will do it together.

Well he deployed to Iraq again a few months later and I took care of all his bills, I worked overtime to pay off some of his college loans. I worked so hard for that year to save money for us for when he returned. She never called me once to see how I was, she only wrote to him a few times and he was bitter about it that he never wrote her. My parents supported him emotionally while he was gone. She would call me asking why he didnt write her or call her and I told her that I have nothing to do with that or any control of that since HELLOhe is 8000 miles away from me. If he chooses not to write then well that is his choice. But me being a bitch told her how I get to talk to him at least twice a day. I know mean oh well.

I finally got the dates of when he will be returning from Iraq so I invited his mom and dad down to Georgia to be here for his homecoming FROM WAR!!! I offered to pay for the plane tickets everything and she said no because she can not take time from work (she was a cashier at walgreens. big deal your son is coming home from IRAQ)...well hubby came home and the next day we found out his mother was all the way across the country in Washington visiting his brother and his wife, mind you his brother has never been to war. WTF IS THAT ABOUT, I was so hurt for him.

Well then I got pregnant finally but sadly ended up miscarrying and his mother had the balls to say, Oh well that is for the best. I wanted to scream at her.

Anyhoo, I got diagnosed with cancer and went through radiation, chemo and a double mastectomy and you know his mother NEVER called to see how I was ever..... Never sent a card or flowers nothing at all but when His dad had a hernia surgery she nearly flipped a lid because we didnt send flowers or was like HELLOOOOO IM IN BED BALD WITH NO BREASTS that is the least of my concerns.

Tim and I got pregnant again afterwards I was so excited because my oncologist said it was a miracle because I should not be able to get pregnant the old fashioned way..We called his mom to tell them and his dad was so excited his mothers response however is, maybe you shouldnt have the baby, your health is more important. Well I miscarried and my husband called her to tell her and her answer again was well thats the best thing for her right now, she shouldnt have a baby BUT OH your brother is expecting. Great thanks just slap my husband in the face when he just lost a child and you tell him that his brothers wife is pregnant. Could that not have waited just a few days so that my husband could grieve?

Well we keep trying and trying and trying and nothing happens besides miscarriages or nothing at all,. So I give up. Tim and I decided to look into adoption and HIS MOTHER had the nerve to say oh then I can have a stepgrandchild too... I was like WHAT THE FUCKKC...... It wouldnt be your stepgrandchild you half wit. It would be your grandchild..So my husband corrected her saying no it would be our child thus your grandchild and she said well its not the same, maybe you are not meant to have children. Its not good to keep trying so maybe you two can just be happy the way you are. Again, thanks for the compassion. So I kick the idea of adopting and tell my husband so help him god we are going to have a baby. and well here I am, still no baby.

What did I do in my life to deserve such misery and to have her in my life arggghhhhhhhhh. So I told my husband that he can not tell her that we are still trying nor tell her when or if I get pregnant because the stress alone will torture me.