Sunday, November 30, 2008


So Tim and I talked more about it tonight and we decided that we are going to look into international adoption through China. I know many people think there are so many children here that need homes but the practices in china towards little girls is just so horrific we want to be able to save just one child from that horror. We would love to get siblings even older if need be. So we are going to get the ball rolling and see what we need to do to start the process of home visits and interviews etc. I think we will be starting that when we get back from vacation after the new year. I am excited and sad at the same time but at least at the end of it all we will have a child in our hearts.

Saturday, November 29, 2008


I am so beyond frustrated, I see a baby and I cry, I see a pregnant woman and I cry. I see a movie that has a baby in it and I CRY!! I am sick of these hormones and emotions. My poor husband all he can do is say, its okay. I think he is lost as to what to do now. I have one cycle left before we give up trying to have a baby and I really wanted it to be this cycle. BUT NNNOOOOO I started spotting at the movies tonight and now I just went to get ready for bed and voila bright red its not heavy but a little more than spotting..The joy of my life, I swear its just not FAIR!!! Its really not fair anymore, I am over and beyond upset that this is how my life is turning out. My husband and I are both almost 32 years old and we are destined to have just our dog. Dh and I have been discussing adoption and how we are to proceed. So I guess its time to get the ball rolling since I know for sure that I will not get a BFP on christmas (which is when I am due this next cycle). Its just really shitty that I feel like I am cheating my husband out of so much because I just cant get pregnant. I feel like a failure most of the time and frankly I am so sick of it. I am kind of looking forward on not trying to have a baby anymore, its just too much stress. I am sure our lives will be much happier if we just move on from all of this.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

This year I am thankful that I have my health. I have a wonderful, supportive, loving husband. Granted there are days that I want to lock him in the closet but in the end, he is my soulmate. I am thankful for my family, my career in this horrible economic time. I am thankful that even though we may not have been blessed this past year that we still have the strength to keep trying. I could not ask for a better husband.

I had a huge dip in my temperature this morning, so I dont think things look very good for concieving this month. However, I am optimistic. Don't laugh but those of you who know me in real life truly know how I do not believe in psychics or anything but In June, my husband and I along with a bunch of friends went to a street fair. There was a tarot card reader there and I thought how fun it would be to see what crap she can come up with. Well all she asked was that I blow on the cards, she did not ask questions she just gave answers. Some of the things she said were quite interesting, its odd how she knew certain things about my husband and I. But she also said, do not worry about the baby, you will be expecting by 6 months end. Well that is coming up in the next couple of weeks, so Dh and I were talking about it and said well we guess she was wrong. What if she were right?? What if, I am indeed PG and I just dont know it yet? I know, I know I am reaching here but hell stranger things have happened. Only Time will tell.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday today!!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Time is flying by so fast!!

Wow I havent blogged in so long its been crazy here, Time is flying by so fast!! I have been working so much because its the end of the insurance deductible year so many people want to get in for procedures etc before they have to start paying their deductibles in january again. I am getting over a strep infection that turned into an upper respiratory infection and landed me home from work for a few days. Then my poor furbaby Prada started her period, so its been a week of diaper changing and cleaning her room and bathing her. but god she is so stinkin cute in her doggy diapers its hysterical. Oh and I cut off all my hair!! I have been growing it out since I lost my hair to chemo so I really wanted long hair again but ya know what? I really liked the ease of doing my hair and not having to fuss over it when it was short. So off it went into a short bob...its cute though.

We have so much going on the next month its crazy, My husband has a ball that is thrown every year by his Company (army company/battalion that is). They give out awards then etc. Its in Tennesse this year so we will be going there for a long weekend. Its 80s themed for the night after the ball so I talked my husband into going as Tom Cruise from Risky Business in his undies and dress shirt haha, Now I just need to figure out what I will dress as. Then we are going to RI for 2 weeks from december to january to visit family. I have a 2 parties for my office in december. AHhh to be so damn busy. I need to start shipping all the christmas gifts back home so when we travel we do not have to lug them all with us. OH yeah in during all of this Prada has to get spayed.....See all of this is going to cease when we have a baby.

Ahh Trying to concieve, its been a hard road. Its seeming like after all this time its just becoming a chore and we just arent "into" it anymore. (the sex part that is). We so really want a baby but I just dont see that happening after everything now. I really thought this month was going to be my month. My chart was looking good, my temps, my cm and all the sexin my husband and I were doing. I thought it was all great timing but then lucky me FF changed my O date so now it looks horrible. I thought that with the spotting I had while I O'd this month was a sign of great things since they say spotting while O is a sign of extreme fertility. BUT you have to have sex around that time to get pregnant and it looks like we missed it.

I have decided that If i am not pregnant by the new year which means 8 years, then I want to start looking into adoption. I just so want a child in my home it just doesnt matter if its biological or not, we just want a baby to love and give a home and a life to. I think its time to throw in the towel and come to the realization that my husband and I will not be having a child together by birth. It just hurts that I can not give him that but I can do what it takes to give him a family and that means adoption so its time to do it. That is my new years resolution...take the necessary steps to make a family outside of my selfish need to have a biological child with my husband...If we pick the child then its still ours through the love in our hearts to find that special child and welcome him or her into our home and our hearts.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

What a week!

This week has been crazy in our household. It started off that DH had Monday and Tuesday off while I had to work which is a bummer since we didnt get to spend time together. This week I had to work really late everynight so again we did not get much time together and this is my fertile week, how is that for luck!! Oh well, we made the best of it anyway. This weekend we do not have much going on, just going out for dinner tonight and then to a movie, our routine date night. Other than that we have so much to do with vacation coming soon and thanksgiving coming soon. Its just DH and I think thanksgiving so we have no idea what we want to do for the holiday. We were thinking about going to a nice hotel, maybe the W or the Ritz for the night and having room service and just hang out. Then of course we have black friday to get up super early to go shopping!!

JUST GREAT!!!! I started to write this at noon today but now here it is almost 9pm and I am just finishing it. I got a call that the alarm system at the office was going off because the front doors were open. The security company said they can not turn it off until someone shows up there to go through the building with the police who are waiting there. SO I haul ass to the office only to show up and all the doors were locked, no police were there. The alarm went off because it was sooooo winding a tree branch was slammed up against the back door. HELLLOOO couldnt the police have seen that. I drove all that way in a hurry for nothing. However, I decided to go to the mall and found a ball gown for my husbands ball in decemeber. GUESS how much it was. $190 bux on sale. The sign said 30% off so I was like hmmm good deal. I got to the register and the lady looked at DH and I and said, "do you know how much this is?" I said ummm no what is it? She said $13.50, yuo you read that right thirteen dollars!! It was half off which brought it down to under 100 then that 100 was on markdown 50 percent off then it was big pre-holiday dress sale so all the dresses were on sale.. I was like Damn DH and I couldnt have gone to Mcdonalds for that! I was so excited! Now I need to get some serious shoes!!

Anyhoo, I lost my train of thought while I was writing this in the afternoon so thats it for today. Off to ttc with Dh again tonight this is supposed to be my O week, Im late oh well more time to try!!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Ahh what a weekend~!

Poor Dh had to work Saturday night until god knows when. So friday night we had date night and went to the movies to see Role Models...HILARIOUS!!! We laughed so hard it was crazy. We came home and decided we are too tired to "try" so off to snuggling then bed. Saturday I got up to bring DH's Dress Blues to be cleaned and then to Old Navy's winter sale blah blah blah. I had a horrible migraine since friday night, I am seriously allergic to perfume and that is what set me off. So I decided to drug up and take a nap on saturday since DH was going to be gone, he is so sweet came in and kissed me goodbye when he left. I got up later and went to the mall to buy new jeans and I picked up take out for me and Tim. As usual I leave his in the microwave so when he came home, he can just heat it up. I was trying to be nice so this way when he came home we could get busy...WEll yeah right!! My migraine meds make me drool haha Seriously though I get knocked out, so there I was in bed when DH came home. I do not even remember him walking into the bedroom to tell me he was home and kissing me. He said I just smiled at him and rolled over and went back to sleep so the sweetheart slept in the other room so not to disturb me.. God I love him.

Sunday, woke up early and decided to Take DH out to breakfast since I blew it the night before. We figured we would leave Prada out of her kennel while we were gone to test how good she could be (she has issues being alone in the house so we are trying to leave her unattended in small increments so that slowly she can work her way up to being home alone all day without killing my furniture or shoes.). So I figured a quick breakfast at Mimi's and then home, Well shit that didnt happen. We ended up going to see a matinee and grocery shopping etc then to dinner *yup dinner* by the time we looked at our watch I was like OMG prada is out!! She was out 8 hours by this time. In a mad dash home we were like what the hell are we going to see when we get home. But all was perfect besides the little steam pile she left near the front door which was totally our fault for leaving her all day. We were so proud of her we got her new toys and treats!! So now we are going to try and leave her out longer so eventually she no longer needs her kennel, I hate that damn thing.

So tonight, we just hung out at home, worked on being romantic which totally ended in giggles. Trying to create a baby is quite funny sometimes. DH is so sweet though. God I love him. So now I am off to bed soon because while DH has 2 days off due to Veterans day, I still have to work which sucks!! I hope at least he takes the trash out.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

So Proud of our Country!!

I just wanted to say how proud I am of our country, uniting together to bring change and equality into our democracy. As a military wife and a human being, I think its amazing how Obama will bring all 4 corners of our country together to unite in a joint effort to improve and secure our nations future. He may not be what we all wanted but he is the change that we all needed. I have faith in him and our senate to do the right thing and make the right changes that matter the most to us. He only has 4 years to clean up Bush's mess, at least be open minded and give him a chance. Its only 4 years! and if we dont like the change the we have a choice to not re-elect him..

Whether we wanted it our not, our country needed this. And to everyone who thinks our country is now dead because Obama will be president. It just shows how uneducated you are on politics and foreign and domestic policy and if you do not like it, pack up your parka and move your ass to Canada. One man can not and the nation will not, let him put our futures in jeopardy..Hello all you have to do is remind yourself about bush

Thats all I have to say about that.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Wow what a lucky week so far!

Yay it started off with me being at work yesterday and not feeling well. I thought hmmm No AF yet, maybe I really am PG or its my medication making me nauseous. So I asked one nurse whom I love so much because she is gentle haha to draw my blood later in the day when I was done with patients so I can run a HCG to see if I were pg. No sooner as that falls out of my mouth do I go to the bathroom to potty and VOILA!!! AF in full force Like i have never seen her. Wow thanks for the Warning about a little spotting next time huh? I wasnt due for AF until friday..Oh well better early then going through the wait.

THEN I was at work and I broke a tooth.. HELLLOOO I have never even had a cavity and I broke a molar. The dentist thinks its from the radiation I had because there is no cavity in there. so YAY ME.

It can only get better from here. Now that AF is here, I can stress less. I am starting to take Evening primrose oil, from what I hear its great for ewcm which I have never had so we will see.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Big Fat Negative

Once again, I am 12 dpo and I have a BFN on a digital 2 days in a row...Once again.....No luck for me. I have no words for this. Its just another heartbreaking month. Good luck everyone else!!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Tis the Season!

We went to the Mall of Georgia today to start and well finish our holiday shopping. The weather was beautiful and they put up a huge tree today in the center of the courtyard area. They had music and they also had machines on top of some of the stores outside blowing fake snow!! Such a good time. We got so many great things for the kids. The only person I have left to get something for is my mom, she is difficult. I plan on getting her something really special but I just can not put my finger on what I want to get her.

As far as DH's family, I asked him, well what are we going to get them and he said nothing. I was like ummmmmm we can not do that. His answer was short and simple. He said, "they have not been supportive of us, especially you. So Fuck' em. They can be happy if they see me at all, that will be their present." I was like OMFG what happened to my husband. So I told him that He can be responsible for what he wants to do for his family, just let me know in enough time to arrange the gift(s).

So, I am exhausted. We never made it to our movie tonight because I was so tired, so we will try to catch a matinee tomorrow. I got Brett and Hunter guitars!! So Tim is going to bring his and the 3 of them can play together and maybe my dad will break his out and play with them. It will be a fun christmas this year. I hope it snows, we got our furbabies pink fur coats haha!!